how to be a professional musician

Over my 16 years as a full-time member of a professional orchestra (and 8 years before that playing as a free-lance musician), I’ve had time both to observe others and myself engaging in both professional and unprofessional behavior. Sometimes one gets bored, or angry, or just loses it, and things happen. Here’s a guide for the young musician on how best to deport themselves in any professional setting (and it helps in non-professional settings, too). Remember, everyone is watching, the music world is incredibly small and incestuous, and you never know when that person you’re making fun of might have the chance to hire you for a really good gig someday!

• Arrive early to gigs. Yes, I know, life is busy, but the most responsible and respected gig pros that I know always arrive at least a half-hour before the tuning note or downbeat. Sometimes this is just impossible, but make every effort to arrive early. As your youth orchestra or band conductor doubtless said “Early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable”.
• Be prepared at the first rehearsal. If you’re an amazing sight-reader who never misses anything, and you can instantly understand the musical context of every note that you play, then ignore this. Otherwise, practice and listen to the music you’re going to play ahead of time. Your colleagues know when you’re not prepared, and they don’t enjoy it.
• Practice your poker face. People make mistakes. Sometimes they make huge honkers that inspire levity on stage. Most of the time however, they don’t enjoy seeing their colleagues’ expressions of dismay or hilarity when this happens. Practice keeping a straight face when the shit hits the fan. Most of the time the audience doesn’t really know how bad it was, or else they’re already on to the next thing. Having musicians reacting on stage only prolongs the agony and distracts the audience.
• See previous bullet point for reacting to extraneous audience noises. I know it’s hard, but that sneeze, or cough, or hearing aid, or sub-toddler aged child aren’t going to be shamed by any look you give, so just suck it up and be a professional. Let the ushers take care of it if it’s really a dire situation. You can’t do anything about it, so just make music and pretend that nothing is happening out there in the seats.
• Be respectful of the conductor: don’t talk while they’re talking, even if you think they’re the worst excuse for a conductor you’ve ever seen. Not everyone can be Furtwangler or Walter or Bernstein or Abaddo (insert name of demi-god here). Chances are, they’re less than thrilled to be working with you, too, so just live and let live and be a pro. Suck it up, people!
• Observe orchestral protocols: If you’re in a string section, don’t yell questions to the conductor. Pass them up to your principal. They’ll either answer it themselves or address it to the conductor. Chances are twenty other people are wondering the same thing, and one of them is a principal player or the concertmaster, so give them a chance to address it.
• Respect the orchestra librarians: they’re not your slaves. They do serve your interests, however. Don’t yell at them. Just ask for what you need respectfully, and give them an appropriate timeframe to accomodate your needs. They could make your life a complete misery if they wanted to, so be nice to them. Give them chocolate and/or caffeinated beverages regularly and you’re golden.
• Get an appropriate amount of rest before rehearsals and/or performances. I know that this is difficult, especially if you’re a freelancer, but it helps no one if you are falling asleep during rehearsals/performances. Yes, this actually happens.
• Come to rehearsals/performances sober. Regardless of the fact that it’s a pops/nutcracker/opera/hateful show. Please, I shouldn’t even have to say this.
• Don’t be a soloist. Blend in with your section and try to make sure you hear the people around you (even if you don’t want to). If you stick out, you probably won’t get re-hired.
• Observe norms of personal hygiene. No one wants to sit next to the stinky guy/gal.
• Respect the stage hands and hall crew. They can make deadly things fall on you. They can deafen you with the monitors. They can give you the stand that won’t stay up. They also make more money than you and they work super hard for that money. They deserve your respect at all times.

Got any other suggestions? Light up the comments, people!