I had one of those rare opportunities this weekend to welcome one of my oldest and dearest friends, Troy Peters, to Portland. What made it rare? He is a conductor (as well as a composer and educator), and he led the Oregon Symphony through a program of light classics and on the second half, the debut collaboration of Oregon-based indie band Blind Pilot with the symphony. Even though I am obviously biased, I think he did a fabulous job. It was just so special to get to go out to dinner with Troy and his wife, Anne, and talk about what has been going on in each others’ lives, both inside and outside of our careers.
There is always that friction of one’s ‘old’ life and one’s ‘new’ life in such encounters – much like going home to stay with your parents as an adult, for example – I found myself feeling and thinking things that have been long out of my experience as the professional orchestral musician that I’ve become, things that were grounded in my time as a very nerdy and unsure of himself violinist in the Tacoma Youth Symphony eons ago. It made me realize just how much of that person I do still carry around deep inside myself now, over 30 years on (!), and how that influences how I do what I do to this day.
Life as an ‘artist’ is often laden with baggage from the past. It’s because we spend so much of our time evaluating ourselves. We are constantly criticizing our playing, both on its own and in comparison to our peers. We are constantly wondering if we’re doing the right thing at the right time. If we have a steady gig, we are questioning if we have stayed in the same place too long. If we don’t have a steady gig, we’re agonizing over how to either win one or how to string more smaller gigs together to make ends meet.
Now, as I reach what is pretty certifiably middle age (45), I begin to wonder when my decline will happen. Is this the best I’ll ever be, in spite of my best efforts? Will someone tell me when I start to really suck? Would I want them too? How did this happen? I went from being in my twenties and seeing a life stretching into the vastness of age, and now I’m in my mid-40’s and I feel like I can see all the way to the end. This is not good!
But we all find our ways to manage. Troy talked about how much he feeds off of the energy and enthusiasm of his many students in the Youth Orchestras of San Antonio, where he is the music director and conductor. Similarly, I find inspiration and revitalization in the form of the Oregon Symphony’s younger members, who bring with them new perspectives, tremendous musical training and instincts, and the sheer vitality of youth.
This season will be my 18th with the Oregon Symphony. Only two years ’til 20. I have no idea how many more seasons are in store for me here, but I do know that they will always be interesting, and I aim to experience them with a renewed sense of purpose and inspiration.